It's Hard

Sometimes I feel bad or guilty writing posts like my previous one. I don't like to sound like I'm complaining, and after all it's just naps right? My problems are nothing compared to the rest of the world.

But the truth is, parenting is hard and something as simple as naps has led me to tears more than once, as have many other issues. It is hard not knowing what to do, hard to feel like you've lost control and your two year-olds are have somehow become in charge, hard when you make mistakes and feel like you're not loving your children the best way you can, hard when you let your ugly sides come out and then wonder how that happened.

Then I read this excerpt from the book, Carry On Warrior. If you're a parent, or know someone who is, take a minute to read it.

What a refreshing read. I am well aware of how fast time is going. I no longer wish for weekends but they always seem to be here and my children are growing up right before my eyes. I still feel like I'm 18 but it won't be too long before I'm double that. Crazy. And I have had many people tell me recently to enjoy this wonderful stage. But the truth is, the last few months especially have been pretty challenging as a mom. My days have been exhausting physically and emotionally and my favourite time of the day is definitely bed time. It is no surprise considering the age of my boys, but it's still my reality. There area  lot of tough moments.

I am continuing to learn how to live a life of gratitude. To be intentional about taking time to thank God for the beauty around me, including in my children. To try to slow down time by being fully present in the moment. I have seen a lot of beautiful moments lately, some that might have otherwise passed me by.

But that doesn't mean that I can't admit it's hard. It doesn't mean that venting my frustrations means I'm being ungrateful (which I think I've subconsciously been believing). Parenting seems to be about moments. One moment they are singing a beautiful song and being kind to their brother, the next they are flopping on the floor because you gave them the wrong cracker. Some times the hard moments outweigh the good ones in a day, making it a tough one. That's okay. I need to give myself permission to feel like today was a bad day and that I'm just finding it all incredibly difficult sometimes. I don't always need solutions. Sometimes there aren't even any. Just someone to say, "I understand. It's hard. You're doing a good job even though you don't feel like it. Hang in there."

Twins in Toddler Beds

I am still alive, just hadn't had the energy or desire to blog much lately. I wouldn't say it's been the easiest month or two but I'm alive and have much to be grateful for. This post won't relate to many of you (feel free to skip it...I won't be offended :), but I wanted to give it the title I did because of one of our current struggles. I know I've done a lot of googling and at the very least I discovered from other twin moms I'm not alone, so perhaps this post will do the same for someone else. I have lots of deeper more important things going on in my brain right now but no mental energy to form them into a somewhat articulate post.

We've been struggling a lot with naps lately. The boys get so worked up and feed off each other, to the point that they were going to town on their room. We had a childproof handle on their door so they couldn't get out. We decided to give them some freedom with a new approach...basically when they got out of bed, we'd talk to them twice, then every time after that we'd say nothing and just put them back to bed, being calm and gentle. Talking with them wasn't working anyway so I thought I'd try the firm and consistent approach.

Well let's just say it hasn't worked...at all! When they started escaping their room they found it hilarious and of course while I was putting one back, the other would make a run for it. I'd be chasing them downstairs, in the corners of closets and in our bed. They thought it was a hilarious game, enjoying every second of it. It has been exhausting. Imagine lifting two thirty pound weights, about three times a minute for well over an hour. Eventually one would calm down but the other would still be going, then the first would get bored just lying there (although clearly needing to sleep) and would be back at it.

A lot of people have said that maybe they just don't need to nap any more. Trust me, they do. They are clearly tired and grumpy after. I have little patience because I've had a massive workout that has done little good and I haven't gotten the break from my kids in the day that I find so important. Even when napping is done, I'm a big believer in quiet time, where they can do something in their room. And I don't believe in kids running the show, so if mommy says it's time to stay in your room, then it's time....keeping in mind that they are two, but now is the time to start establishing that.

I really do believe the technique can actually work for a lot of kids. But I think it's a whole new ball game with twins. Even if I'm not giving them positive attention, they have each other to egg each other on and syphon energy off of. If I didn't have one escaping while dealing with the other, I'm pretty sure I would have seen success right now.

It has been hard not having that time to myself in the middle of the day, not just for the mental break but to get the everyday things of life done. And to be totally honest, I don't like not knowing what to do. So now we have to figure out a new approach. We're thinking of either trying to put them down a little later so they are more tired, putting the childproof handle back on, or just calling it "quiet time" where they can have some books and stuffed animals and will hopefully fall asleep.

If anyone has ANY advice, please send it my way. I know in a few years none of this will matter and I'm sure another phase is around the corner, but this one has been tough. This mommy REALLY wants her nap time back. I think anyone with two toddler boys would say the same! :)

Sick & Thankful

I feel like our family has been pretty lucky this season. Besides a round of strep throat for me in November and a few minor colds, we've been pretty healthy. On Friday I was feeling pretty achey. I didn't think much of it. I had done a spinning class and some swimming a few days prior, plus I had been on my feet teaching basketball for a few days in a row. I went to work and then headed to the gym, figuring I'd just push through it. Then when I got home it instantly hit me...chills with no hope of getting warm, headache and feeling awful. You know that feeling when you stand up and it feels like your brain is hitting the side of your head? The less movement the better. The chills turned to sweat and I knew it was official. What resulted was 14 hours in bed, some cancelled plans and a very low-key day. By some miracle it seems to be a very short one, and I'm feeling better today.

I know so many people who have had it really rough with the flu and I don't envy them. As I've mentioned before I'm a bit of a baby when it comes to being sick. But this time was different. I've recently started a DVD book study with some friends based on this gem, which has taught me a ton about gratitude. As I lay in my bed on Friday night feeling terrible, I chose to be thankful instead of feeling sorry for myself. Thankful for a warm bed, heat in my home, Advil, clean water to keep me hydrated and a special blanket made by my Grandma. That simple shift in focus off of myself and my circumstances to what I could give thanks for, made all the difference. I didn't feel great, but at least I wasn't grumpy. It is progress for me. Definitely baby steps, but I'm growing!

Suck It Up, Buttercup

The mantra around our house for 2013? "Suck it up, buttercup!" And yes, I did make the sign above for a visual reminder. While I'd love to have a long list of new years' resolutions, I don't think it's an ideal way to make changes. Probably one of the few I ever kept was not eating chips for a year, sometime back in my late teens. No idea why I picked that but I did it and remember celebrating a new year up at camp with some Pringles! While I do believe in goals, I work better in shorter term ones, like our changes in September last year.

But while J and I decide to make changes throughout the year, this is something we need to embrace. Just suck it up and do it. One thing I have learned is that I'm addicted to comfort and feel entitled to things that I shouldn't. I often don't do things simply because I don't feel like it and make up excuses why I need rest and have balance. While those things can be good, I don't want my feelings to dictate my actions. I need to learn to get uncomfortable and put in the hard work to grow as a person whether that means getting up earlier, spending time with someone when I'd rather be with my family, or scrubbing the sink.

Finishing this book was another reminder of how privileged we are and how easy things come to us. We want to eat? We go buy food. We want a drink? We turn on the tap. We want clean clothes? Throw them in the wash. These things are not normal for a large percentage of the world. Many people work long and hard hours for the basic necessities and even then it's often not enough. Sometimes my sense of entitlement can be subtle. This is a common scenario on a typical day...it's the boys nap time, they have tired me out and I want a break. There are things to do around the house, I sit and turn on the TV as I eat my lunch and an hour later I'm still there, indulging myself instead of serving my family. I complain about all the stuff in our house and wanting to purge but I don't get serious and put in the work to make it happen. I read this quote here and thought it was great....

If it matters, you make the time.

If it doesn’t, you make excuses.

This whole idea of "sucking it up" has already made a difference in J's life. He's decided he wants to start running. He's made a commitment to himself to do it a certain number of times a week. Last night I made some last-minute plans with a few friends for dinner. I didn't get home until after 8:30pm. Who wants to run at night, in the dark and cold? Not me and not him. In the past he probably wouldn't have done it, but with our new mantra in mind, he sucked it up and did it. I was proud of him!

My boys are now in bed. Normally I would waste time on the computer, watch TV or do something else to indulge my laziness. While I'm not saying that will never happen, tonight I'm going to put on my iPod (I know, woe is me!) and put in some work on one of my January goals which I'll share about soon. Time to suck it up, buttercup. I'm sure there is a nicer, more flowery way to say it but it works. And I have my husband and my fancy little clip art sign to remind me when I forget. Hey, I'm a primary school teacher. It's what I do! :)

2012 - The Year In Review

Life really does seem to speed up as you get older... I can't believe 2012 is already drawing to a close. I love these times of the year when it's natural to reflect on the past and make goals for the future. And one of the reasons I blog is to have a little record of where my head is at at certain points. I just re-read my new years reflections from last year. Here are some of the things I was hoping for for 2012 and how I think they went...

Practically I want to be diligent about meal planning and spending less on food. I want to put my clothes away at the end of the day (I know, I'm 30 something and still struggle with this. Shame on me!). I want to continue my quest for a simpler more generous life. Relationally, I want to invest in some new friendships and continue to strengthen the old. I want to pick up the phone more. I want to love my husband better and be a more engaged mom. Spiritually I simply want to learn how to become friends with God.

- I definitely improved on meal planning and most weeks had our dinners written out. I could do better at spending less on food and not wasting as much.

- Picking up my clothes? (still laugh that this was a goal, but hey, sometimes it's the little things). Still not perfect but now that we host a small group at our house and our bedroom is one of the meeting places, it's clean at least once a week. And I usually don't let the mess go on as long. I'll have to let Joel weigh in on that one.

-Living a simpler and more generous life is huge on my radar these days and I've made good steps towards that, including being part of a small community that meets once a month to bounce ideas off each other and grow. Again, still a long way to go. I think I have at least eight blog posts in my head related to this topic.

- We've definitely developed some new friendships that are growing. I can give us a clear check mark for that. We have people in our home way more than we used to and enjoy practicing hospitality. There is a greater depth we'd like to go in many of these new relationships and that takes energy I don't often feel I have, but I also know it takes time.

- Pick up the phone more? No, completely failed on that. Do people like to talk on the phone any more? I actually enjoy a good phone conversation but always hesitate because I don't want to bug people. Email and texting is safer. I admit, I like safe!

- Loving my husband better and being more engaged as a mom...steps forward for sure but I'll be working on those two for the rest of my life. I've become more aware of how selfish I can be and my addiction to comfort. I'm learning to make more decisions that aren't about me.

- And friends with God? Very very slowly but in a better place than I was a year ago. And the good thing is I feel no guilt about that. That's progress for sure.

I have much to be thankful for and today I'm especially grateful that I have grown from the person I was a year ago. Life is a journey and I'm enjoying the ride. Stay tuned for my goals for 2013. Happy New Year!!!

Christmas Time

Christmas is only a few days away. Read my thoughts about Christmas last year from part of my living simply series. (I have many more thoughts to add to that series, just working on how to articulate them).

This is the first Christmas that the boys really have some idea of what is going on. That don't really know that Christmas is an actual day, they just know it's Christmas time. That means we decorate a tree, have a manger scene (where the donkey gives everyone a ride!) and light our advent candles each night. Their favourite Christmas songs are Away in a Manger, Jingle Bells and Up on the Rooftop (thank you daycare!).

I am feeling quite thankful that we have embraced the idea of a simple Christmas. We've decided that in our little nuclear family we are only going to do stockings for each other. This is pretty easy at the moment as the boys are still young. I am not anti-gifts and they will still have presents to open at extended family gatherings but they really don't need more from us. I want Christmas to be more  focused on giving to others in need, spending time with family and sharing experiences together. And of course, celebrating the gift of Jesus. Lighting the advent calendar this year has more been a lesson in counting than anything spiritual. Such is life with toddlers.

It continues to amaze me how much Christmas seems to be about stuff. By far the biggest question I'm asked is if I'm done my Christmas shopping. People also ask if my kids are excited about Santa. Santa wasn't a big part of my childhood. I'm not going to go out of my way to teach them he isn't real but I'm not telling them he's bringing them gifts. He's more a figure we see on TV and sing about sometimes. (As a side, I will always remember a favourite moment last year, sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office. Some kids were acting up and their dad was threatening to call Santa to cancel their presents. He was on his way to dialling before they smartened up. I would bet any amount of money that no matter what they did he was never going to follow through.)

I love that Christmas is not stressful for us. It's about people, not stuff, and celebrating God incarnate. I think going against the consumerism of the season will get harder as the boys get older. They will begin to notice what happens around them. But we're determined to be intentional about learning to be a family that lives counter-culturally and gives generously especially at this time of year. And I'm thankful to be part of a community that values this as well. There are million ways to do Christmas and I love learning from others. I have a long way to go. What are some ways you've changed the way you do Christmas over the years?

27,000 Children

As most people seemed to be, I was shocked and saddened to hear about the tragedy in Newton, Connecticut this past Friday. That night I was feeling overwhelmed for those who had to experience the horrors and for the families of those who died. It is a devastating loss. Almost every post I read on Facebook had to do with the events that took place and the understandable emotions that we were all feeling. But something didn't sit right with me.

In the past few months I have been working my way through this book. I just finished reading a chapter called 'One Hundred Crashing Jetliners.' The premise was that whenever a plane crashes, it makes the news. And yet, nearly 27,000 children die A DAY of preventable causes related to poverty and we almost never hear about it. This was fresh in my mind as I heard about what happened on Friday.

I get it. It is easier to feel things when it happens close to home. We can relate. It affects us. It's all over the media. Children dying of hunger, malaria, lack of clean water... that generally happens to people far away and we can't relate. I have met some of these people and I still forget. Days go by and it doesn't cross my mind. It's a truth I'm not proud of.

So what does that mean? As our pastor put it this morning, it means repentance. Repentance for not thinking about the poor and doing enough to help them, while I focus on acquiring more stuff and being comfortable. It means taking a long and hard look at my life and being intentional about making choices that help those in need, instead of focusing on me. I love the now famous prayer, prayed by Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision... "Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God." That means the loss of innocent children in the United States, AND the loss of innocent children around the globe. None of them should suffer.

While people debate gun laws and media coverage, I want to look at myself and ask, what can I do to help those who are suffering and prevent senseless tragedy that happens day after day. And I want to put in the hard work of not forgetting so that it will cause me to act and make a difference. The posts about the killings in Connecticut will soon disappear and it will eventually leave the minds of those of us not directly affected. It's just what happens. But tomorrow 27,000 children will die that shouldn't, and the next day 27,000 more will die. The good news it the number has been decreasing in recent years but it's obviously not good enough. I pray that I would not forget and that I would do my part each day until that statistic no longer exists. God help us!