Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Isolation of Motherhood

As I prepared to become a mother, one aspect no one really talked about was the loneliness and isolation I would feel. I am constantly in the company of two other little human beings who need me to get through their day, and yet some days I just feel alone. I miss the adult interaction I had at work. I miss getting out of the house. My best friend is currently Ellen Degeneres. We hang out for an hour every day! While I love being a mom, I love feeding my boys, seeing them smile, doing new things, it is also very challenging. Each day is almost identical to the next, spent inside my cozy little home, feeding, changing diapers, moving boys to different play areas, cuddles, putting them down for naps and taking care of the domestic duties required to keep a household running smoothly.

I think I feel even more isolated as a mom of twins. I have a great routine going that helps our days go somewhat smoothly. The boys know what to expect and so do I. Overall my boys are very happy and easy to handle. But my routine is a double-edged sword. It also means that getting out of the house is difficult. First of all, we don’t have much time to get out. My boys are awake for two hours between one nap and the next. In that time I have to breast/bottle feed them, change diapers, feed them meals (they now eat solids three times a day), with a little play time and loving interaction before it’s nap time again. If I packed them up to take them somewhere, there wouldn’t be much time before I had to turn around and come home. The only outings we do are at someone’s house where I can put them down for a nap when I get there.

The other hindrance is that, well, there are two of them. Perhaps I need to work up some courage, but being out with two in public with two small babies is a little scary. I realized how different it would be with one a few weeks ago when we were in the hospital. Caleb was hooked up to an IV so was stuck in our room, but we needed some food so I strapped Micah to me and went downstairs. I just freely walked around with him, talked to a lactation consultant I knew for awhile and got us some food. It was easy and my mind went to all the wonderful things I could do. I can’t just go to the mall and find a quiet corner to breast feed my babies in if they are hungry or upset. If you’ve seen me do it, you know it requires a giant pillow and an entire couch to get the job done by myself. I plan to work on this one once the weather gets a little warmer, at least taking them around the block for a walk.

Thankfully I have a few friends who are moms and are willing to come spend the day at our house once or twice a month, but these days are rare. While I am incredibly grateful for the chance to stay home with my boys, some days it’s just hard. I know I’m taking care of two little people but some days I feel like my biggest accomplishment was getting two loads of laundry done or actually making a home-cooked meal. I know this stage won’t last forever, and I’m trying to be more present and enjoy the little moments. They will be gone all too quickly and I’ll wish for them back. I know my feelings aren’t unique but I fight them constantly.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Emma

On December 21st, just a few weeks ago, my dear Grandma passed away. She and I were close and I miss her. Although she's from Ottawa she had been living in a home about 10 minutes away since June so I was blessed with a lot of time with her, creating precious memories. At her funeral, my brother shared on behalf of our siblings, some of our memories. This is what I wrote...

Grandma and I have had a special relationship being the first granddaughter after 6 grandsons. Even though she’s lived in Ottawa she has always played an active role in my life. Almost every Sunday we would talk on the phone and I have countless letters she wrote when I went away to camp or university. I always loved going to visit her and Grandpa in Ottawa. Knowing I loved fruit, she always had some ready for me when I arrived. Even when she came to visit us in Mississauga she would often bring some frozen strawberries for me that she had picked earlier in the year.. A few weeks ago when I told her about this memory while spending an evening with her at Erin Mills Lodge, she quickly offered some raspberries she had in her fridge for me to take home!

One of my most precious memories I have with Grandma is visiting her a few weeks after Grandpa passed away. It was Valentine’s Day and we ate popcorn and chocolate and talked about Grandpa. We laughed and cried together. I told her about a guy named Joel I was interested in, who I would later marry. When she first met Joel she whispered to me that he had nice eye lashes, her way of saying she approved, and a comment that she would also make about our two new sons only a few months ago. Grandma told me how much Grandpa had taught her about the Bible and how she loved it too. Her faith in God is a lasting example to all of us.

I am so thankful that Grandma got to meet and spend time with our six month old sons, Micah and Caleb. Grandma was at the same hospital recovering from her stroke, when I gave birth. She was one floor up and one room over from us and she has said over and over how amazing it was that we were both there... always looking at the positive side of things. I know my boys won’t remember their great Grandma but when they ask about her I’ll tell them she was an amazing woman, who played a mean game of golf well into her nineties, who loved God, her family and the people around her.... with heaps and heaps of love!
(She signed all of her cards and letters this way, with /\'s and /\'s of love )

Monday, January 3, 2011

Reflections of Motherhood Part 4: Joel

This probably should have been the first of my reflections. Joel has been such an AMAZING dad and husband (as usual) since the boys have arrived. From the day they were born he got right in there changing diapers, burping, putting them to bed, getting them up to feed and supporting me through the crazy transition into motherhood. Twins require more involvement than average from a dad but Joel has gone above and beyond. He stayed awake with me through all the middle-of-the-night feedings and spent several nights in our guest bed tending to them in the night so I could sleep a longer stretch. He still does that if there’s a chance they might wake up for whatever reason.

Joel loves the morning. He gets up early and does his best work then. But he’s sacrificed that extra hour or more at work to do the first feeding of the day with the boys, getting them up, dressed, changed and ready for the day. While he won’t do this forever, it is such a fun thing to watch and I appreciate the help during a busy time of day. When he gets home from work he is hands-on right away. When it was lighter in the evening, I would often sneak away for a walk when he got home while he took over. On weekends I often get to go back to bed, go out, or just do whatever I want between feedings. He is so comfortable with our boys, and the best part is that he loves it. I almost never change a diaper when he’s home. He also does their baths, washes bottles and continues to keep me company during feedings.

Last week I was supposed to go to Ottawa for my Grandma’s burial. We didn’t end up going because we were in the hospital with Caleb but the plan had been for Joel to take care of the boys for about 24 hours while I went. So many people were surprised that Joel was going to stay with the boys, which he found amusing. In his view, he’s a parent and should be able to take care of his kids. A lot of our good friends who are dads are also very involved and could do the same, but a friend did remind me the other day that that’s not the norm.

I knew Joel would be a great dad but he has blown away my expectations. He has helped me gain the confidence I need to take care of my boys while he’s at work, and eagerly jumps in when he’s home. He’s been my biggest encourager through the challenges of breast feeding and weight gain issues, the person I vent to when I’m frustrated and who I celebrate all the little milestones with. I think we make a darn good team. Okay, enough bragging for now... I love you Joel!