The Snacker in Me

The snacker in me needs to be tamed. I generally think of myself as a healthy eater. I have the same breakfast everyday (PB & J sandwich with milk) a decent lunch and dinner. But I'm pretty sure if I kept a journal of what I ate I'd be surprised. It hit me the other day when I came downstairs to see a bag of chips and a box of cookies on the couch. I can be a bit lazy when it comes to food so when I'm wanting a snack I usually go for the easy stuff. I often have Dr. Phil and his high response cost idea, in my head when I do it (who knows why I remember him talking about this, but it makes sense). As is often the case for me, when I overindulge in something it works for me to just cut it out cold turkey for a period, kind of like pressing the re-set butter. So this week I'm not eating junk. My snacks are going to primarily fruits and vegetables (things I haven't eaten enough of as a mom) and smoothies for a treat. I'm getting one Hershey chocolate mint kiss to satisfy my sweet tooth and that's it...I just decided that as I was typing this. I guess it's not completely cold turkey but close enough. We'll see how it goes!

This is How I Feel

I've had some stress and challenges in my life lately. It's inevitable. Things don't always go the way you want, disappointments wiggle their way into our comfortable lives and sometimes it's just plain hard. After going through a significantly hard time a few years ago I came out of it with many lessons, but one of the biggest one being that it's okay to feel how you feel. If I'm sad about something it's okay to feel sad, have a good cry, vent to loved-ones about how much it sucks. I find the sooner I let myself feel my true emotions, the sooner I can pull myself out of the dark place and keep moving forward. And the best kind of friends are the ones whose main goal isn't to make you feel better, but who enter the pain with you, who tell you that yes, it does indeed suck. Not that they won't give you encouragement along the way but they aren't there to rush you into "everything will be okay." Sometimes it's not okay and it won't be and we have to learn to live with that.

I am learning to be thankful for hard times. It's said a lot but they really are the times that help you grow, build character, rely on your community and God. I am reminded again of my need for God. I don't believe everything happens for a reason or that he controls all things, but I do believe he can take the crap and use it to make me a better person, to help others and grow in him. If you read about my goals for the year, one of them was to become friends with God. That means talking to him like I do the other people who are close in my life. I believe he loves me and cares about what's going on in my life, even if I'm not feeling all that great about it. I'm also trying to be a better friend and not always try to fix things or make someone look at the bright side (how annoying is that, right?). And while I'm learning to embrace the messy parts of life and the feelings that come with it, I'm continuing to learn to be thankful in the midst of the pain. I don't always get there right away, but that's okay. I'm growing.

Being a M.O.M.

Being a mothers of multiples is different than being a mom to singletons. I don't think anyone would dispute that. I always love talking to other moms with twins and relating to their stories. Don't we all feel a bit better knowing someone else has been through a version of what we're going through, both amazing and challenging? I came across this blog post yesterday and wanted to give the author a hug. I have so been there. Holding a sleeping baby over the holidays I realized I hardly have any memories of doing that with my boys. I don't really remember much of that early newborn phase at all. On the rare occasion that I do get to hold one of them while they sleep, it melts me. I missed that. I traded it in for a routine that kept me somewhat sane and babies who could sleep on their own. I wouldn't change it. I did what I had to do to survive having two babies, but I know I missed out and sometimes that makes me sad. The amazing things about having twins far outweighs the hard stuff, but it's good to acknowledge and feel normal.

On a much lighter note, I posted this video probably over a year ago on Facebook and Joel and I were talking about it again last night. I think it's hilarious.

Tag. You're IT!

I didn't know which one of the many topics swirling in my head to blog about next. Then found out I was tagged by Ali (whose blog I love reading...check her out!) in a fun little blog game, so thought I'd avoid a few chores and respond. Here's what she asked...

1. What is your middle name?
- Julianne. My parents called all their kids by their middle name and they are both the same. I'm not a fan and at places like the doctor they often call me by my first name so it's like I'm another person in the medical world. Needless to say I didn't do that to my boys. I like my middle name better than my first so I guess that's the upside.

2. What is the best movie you've ever seen?
- Hmmm. Probably The Shawshank Redemption, but also a huge fan of Man in the Moon (ultimate sad/cheese story) and Dead Man Walking

3. If you could see any band/artist in concert, who would you choose?
- I'm not a big concert goer and while I enjoy them I don't pursue them (rather spend money on other things). But if I had to pick one I'd say U2... partly to be cool. I mean who hasn't been to U2 right? And partly because I do like them, totally respect Bono and hear it's a great show.

4. Dog or cat?
- Dog but only really Golden Retrievers. I'm married to a pet hater so not holding my breath on that one.

5. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
- Western consumerism and entitlement and how blind we are to those suffering in a large percent of the world...which would result in radical generosity, everyone being fed and having their basic needs taken care of. It's unacceptable that 16,000 children still die a A DAY from hunger. It requires action, a change of lifestyle and giving a damn, to start.

6. What do you do to recharge?
- have a good conversation with my husband on the couch or a dinner date. Watch a good show or movie and eat air-popped popcorn with melted butter and salt. Oh and my Saturday sleep-ins. LOVE them!

7. What would an ideal weekend look like for you?
- Probably getting away to my parent's apple farm.

8. What is one thing you wish you could blog about but you feel like you can't/shouldn't?
- Hmmm... lack of time parents spend with their kids (too afraid of offending someone but there you go)

9. How many hours a week do you spend watching tv?
- A lot less than I used to but still too much. 5 or 6? (love having PVR and fast-forwarding through commercials...saves time and brain cells)

10. If you could do anything with your life to make money, what would you choose?
- Be a mom to my own kids as well as many orphans in Africa that I could...starting in Zimbabwe and Zambia.

11. What is your favourite smell?
- Freshly baked bread

There you go. Some valuable, deep, information about me for you to chew on. Happy weekend! (I think I'm supposed to tag people but from the sounds of it, nap time is over around here.)

Project Playroom

The process begins - going through our junk

Those of you who've been to our house know that we don't live in a mansion, at least by our standards. When you walk in the doors you see a main room and a kitchen and that's it for the main floor. I've spent much of my life in that room since the boys were born, but as they became more mobile I knew we needed another option. Going outside doesn't always work in our climate. We have an unfinished basement but I knew we could transform it into a workable space to keep the boys occupied. Thus started a several month project.

First we needed to clear out enough junk to have space to play. Those of you with basements know they are an easy place to let stuff pile up. While some storage is necessary we had way more than we needed or used. Time to purge. Joel led the charge being gifted in the organization department. My attempts usually just result in everything spread out all over the floor with no clue what to do with it. After we cleared a space and neatly stored what was left I found some of the coloured foam flooring (on sale of course!) to cover the non-carpeted areas. I love that it's comfortable and easy to clean. Virtually all our toys are hand-me-downs from cousins or gifts with a very few bought at a used sale and a picnic table off Kijiji. I wanted to add colour and cover up some ugly parts. Luckily I have bought way too much African cloth in past years so I put some of it to good use covering the walls and some shelves. I wouldn't call it pretty but it's got character and it was cheap!

I originally thought I wanted a finished basement but in some ways I think an unfinished one is great for kids. You don't have to worry about them ruining things as much. Sure, things like our furnace are exposed and I have to teach them some boundaries but it's good for them. And ultimately even though part of me would love it, we don't have the cash to finish our basement which is the only way we buy things (ie. no debt). I'm happy with the way it's turned out considering what we were working with and the boys love playing down there, often for several hours a day. When you inherit toys they are often the noisy, plastic kind that aren't my favourite, but they were free and that works. As much as I'd love for my boys to only play with wood and dirt and all things natural, c'est la vie! I've set up a little desk for myself where I can work on a project or read while keeping an eye on things. It won't be long until I can probably leave them down their on their own with frequent check-ins.

It is not a classy playroom. No modern decorating or sleek lines. I guarantee it won't be featured in any magazines. Sometimes I even feel it's borderline tacky but it's colourful, simple and hardly cost us anything. I like that. I love watching Caleb pretend to cook in the play kitchen, passed on from his cousin, passed on to her by a friend. I love watching Micah build a tower for the sheer joy of knocking it down. I love watching them both sit at the picnic table with a pretend cup of coffee, sipping it like daddy does. And I love that we actually followed through on one of our plans and got it done. The finished product is below. If you're not scared of furnaces and don't need perfection you should come over and play!

Expectations

A lot of emotions in life, whether good or bad, seem to come from expectations. We get disappointed because people don't meet our expectations. My friend didn't do what I thought she would, my husband didn't meet my needs when I expected him to know them, I excepted more or something different than what happened. Something goes as we expected or better and we're happy. When struggling with a difficult relationship where I felt disappointed, someone wise in my life asked me if I had communicated my expectations with that person. Did they know I was expecting that of them? What were they expecting of me? How often would having that sometimes scary, yet simple conversation, save us from a lot of heart-ache.

Some people may not know this about me but I'm a bit of a closet perfectionist. Okay, maybe not in some areas. Clearly I don't have the need for a perfectly tidy bedroom or organized office. But I do have high expectations of myself in other areas, especially in the relational, emotional areas that are less visible. I don't want a good marriage, I want a GREAT marriage. I don't want to be a good mom, I want to be a GREAT mom. While those are good things, sometimes my motivation is off. I want to be better than someone else because secretly it makes me feel better about myself. People judge and put others down because they are insecure, myself included.

I think it's good to want to be better but it's also important to be realistic. I've been thinking about this a lot recently as it relates to being a mom and chief operating officer of our home. Sometimes I need to let things go because they are not important. It's one thing to want things in order because it makes life run smoother and reduces stress. It's another to do it to keep up the facade of having it altogether. Sometimes I just need to get down on the floor and play with my kids. I'm not a perfect mom. Sometimes I'm lazy and tune out with TV when my boys need me to engage with them.

We're now in the stage when being a parent is more than about feeding, diapers and cuddles. We now need to teach them life skills, how to treat others, how to behave. It's a huge responsibility. And I KNOW sometimes my expectations for my boys are too high. I believe that it's never too early to start teaching. Start as you meant to go on. I believe so many parents don't expect much of their kids and it shows. But my boys are only a year and a half. Developmentally there are so many things that they don't get but I need to celebrate their little accomplishments. I expect that we'll clean up our basement playroom before going upstairs. I teach that to my boys by modelling how to clean up and bringing them back down when they try to make an escape. We sing the clean-up song and try to make it fun. It's amazing how quickly they learn, but I can still only expect them to put a few things away at this point. Sometimes I want them to be capable of more than is realistic and I really have to watch myself. It's easy to focus on what they can't do instead of celebrating the things they can and how far they've come already.

I expect a lot of myself and other people. Don't we all? I expect my husband to love me, to be kind and faithful, to help out around the house and be a good dad. But sometimes I catch myself pointing out the one thing he didn't do, while not acknowledging the million things he did do. I know how crappy I've felt at certain times in my life when it's happened to me and yet I still do it. I guess the key is that when I realize it I need to make amends and try to change my actions. Expectations aren't a bad thing. They are good and necessary, but they need to be communicated, managed and realistic. Something I'm definitely becoming more aware of and want to work on.

** Side note: Sometimes my perfectionist tendencies come out or don't come out in my blog. I find myself not writing about something because I'm not sure how it will come across. I want to take more risks, not worry about who will think what or how eloquent it is. I had no plan for this blog post, just started my ramblings. It's not perfect but it's me and that's good enough! :)

Looking Back and Ahead

I've been enjoying reading many years in review on blogs and Facebook. 2011 was a pretty simple year for me...being a mom, wife and friend. I saw my boys evolve from lying on a blanket (next time I will appreciate this glorious stage!) to running and daily increasing their vocabulary. We took several trips to the farm and had two wonderful kid-free nights away at Lady Antebellum and Muskoka. We did our best to go on lots of dates and spend time with friends and are thankful for our amazing set of babysitters. I was deeply challenged by the isolation that comes with being a stay-at-home mom, that peaked in the winter and spring months. The fall has been much brighter now that we can get out in the mornings. We've joined several programs and I've met a lot of great moms. It's nice to be part of the outside world again.

Our holidays were absolutely wonderful. We were happy with our attempts to keep Christmas simple and loved watching the boys light up as they opened their stockings and a few presents. We had a great day with Joel's family and despite a failed nap attempt the boys were troopers and were so happy, particularly with the extra attention. Two days later we were with my family doing it all over again. And the best part? We stayed healthy and we were thankful! Joel and I tag-teamed on the parenting front and got a lot done around the house. I did a lot of cooking and now have a freezer full of minestrone, butternut squash black bean soup, chilli and spaghetti sauce. For the first time in our lives we actually paid a babysitter and were able to go out for New Year's Eve, first to a friend's birthday party and then hanging out with good friends who we've started new year with for the past several years, minus last year when in the early months of parenthood we opted to just go to bed.

Aside from the reminder of how fast life is zooming by, I love the new year and a chance for a fresh start. Whether you make them now or throughout the year I think it's important to have goals. Practically I want to be diligent about meal planning and spending less on food. I want to put my clothes away at the end of the day (I know, I'm 30 something and still struggle with this. Shame on me!). I want to continue my quest for a simpler more generous life. Relationally, I want to invest in some new friendships and continue to strengthen the old. I want to pick up the phone more. I want to love my husband better and be a more engaged mom. Spiritually I simply want to learn how to become friends with God. More on that another time. What are your goals for the new year? I hope you had a wonderful holiday.

Christmas last year

Christmas this year

Our new advent wreath

Minestrone ready for the freezer